Friday, October 4, 2013

A Triumphant Return to Blogging (Or Something Like That)

I'm toggling between the choice to write a lighthearted "Here's Why I Haven't Been Blogging" post or a "Holy Crap This Mothering Job Kinda Stinks Sometimes" post.

Let's start with this: The whole month of September was something of a blur.  It wasn't something every week.  It was ten things every day.

I'm straddled between being a mother of school-aged children and being a mother to babies.  They are two very, very different things and I'm still trying to figure out how to do that dance.  How do I quiz the first grader on his spelling words for tomorrow's test while the toddler is screaming incomprehensible words at me and the baby has poop running down his leg?  I'm not making that up.  It really happened.

How do you bathe four children and tuck them in at a decent time while still getting a couple of books read to them and picking out one's picture day outfit and another's field trip attire and cleaning up dinner while also leaving some time to maybe ask your spouse how his day went?

How do I fit exercising, eating, showering, sleeping and maybe some writing all within a 24 hour period?

Well that answer is easy.  I don't.  I get to pick one, maybe two, at most.

Right after Brian landed from his week-long business trip we headed straight into the eye of the storm: Wedding Week.  Brian's youngest sister got married.  It was the pinnacle event of the year.  And it was so much fun.  But also a whole heck of a lot of work and planning and coordinating.  We ended the wedding with a hotel room just to ourselves without kids.  I strategically planned that knowing I would most definitely need it.  And it was great.  And my mom was all kinds of wonderfulness for staying at the house with the kids.  But bliss only lasts until you get that one text that says one of your kids just barfed all over the dining room floor.  And instantly I'm slammed back into mom mode.  Vacation over.

No 24-hour bug here.  Katherine caught a doozy of bug that had us running for buckets for 48 hours straight which meant our weekend was eaten up with bleach and approximately 47 loads of laundry.

Monday morning Brian started working at a new company.  I'm really happy for him.  It's a company that he's been wanting to work for forever.  He's become so talented in his career and I'm really proud of the ease for which these opportunities seemingly fall effortlessly into his lap.  This one took two months of back and forth before we made a final decision and I'm not going to lie, I was hesitant.  Maybe I still am.

All week he's left early and been home late.  This is a major shock to our family routine.  It won't be like this forever but it is our new normal for the next few months as he gets ramped up.

And so all week, as he's gone before my coffee has been poured and I watch the minutes click past our normal dinner time, I'm left wondering what it is that I want to be when I grow up.

There's been a lot of talk about leaning in and leaning back these days.  But I know there's no easy answer.  I desire it all with only a fraction of it within a reasonable grasp.

Anyone who says they love every minute of being a stay-at-home parent is a liar.  Either that or they haven't done it long enough or don't have enough kids to drive them bonkers.

Anyone who says they love every minute of working full time and dropping their kids off at daycare every day is also a liar.

I know women can't win this game.

I want to be at home with my kids so that Brian can work to provide for us.  But I also want to escape the feeling that I exist only so that others can live the life they want.

I know that writing is key for me but time is ever absent.  As I write this I have dripping wet hair and no makeup.  I haven't eaten anything for lunch.  Bobby is pulling every article of clothing out of a shopping bag I had ready for storage.  Then he is crawling under the table and biting my toe every few minutes.  The lunch dishes are still scattered.  The laundry needs to be changed.  The bills need to be paid.  Dinner needs to be prepped.  I have an hour and half until the kids get home from school and hopefully, if I'm lucky, just as long until Katherine wakes from her nap.  Then it's snacks and backpacks and a fight about turning on the TV.

But today I made the choice to write anyway and that feels good.

1 comment:

  1. Be gentle with yourself. You are doing a great job. I admire you greatly! If firmly believe that you're a better mom if you take time for yourself.


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