Monday, March 1, 2010

Two Hours of Waiting Around

Written by Brian about The Bachelor Finale

I’m very sad to say this will be my last guest post about The Bachelor. I know, it’s tough. You’ll have to come up with a new reason to live every week. And a new crappy show to watch.

When I’m pondering a big decision, a brisk walk in the ocean with pants on really hits the spot. We get to meet Jake’s family after a trip to the dry cleaners. About two minutes into Jake and Tenley’s arrival the tears start flowing. Everyone…is crying. Even the guy sitting there behind the camera, tears in his eyes. He had his own things going on. Anyway, I think we know where J-man gets his uncanny ability to turn on the faucets. Also, Jake needs to tell Tenley that he likes to roughhouse. Wow, easy mom. The family pool jumping needs no comment. LAME!

Vienna is next to meet the family and it’s a car wreck. The girls really dislike her and Jake’s mom is about to slap her. The day improves but I think that was just careful editing. If you get this season on DVD - Director's Cut Edition, Jake's dad throws a bowl of mashed potatoes at her.

There are two dates but I don’t have the stomach for either of them. Jake makes out with Vienna for about 90% of the date. I think that’s the only way he can get her to stop talking. Tenley and Jake have a tough conversation about physical chemistry and the specific heat of uranium. That’s never a good sign for a final episode.

And it turns out I’m right. Jake doesn’t even try to sell it when Tenley lands in the helicopter. His entire body shouts I’m sending you back to Mars. I kind of feel bad for her.

Vienna is next so you know the rest. He asks her to marry him and we get a second round of "On the Wings of Love." Yes! Bonus Jeffery Osborne! That honestly made the entire season for me. They pan back and Chris Harrison is seriously lip syncing while Jake and Vienna kiss. Fist pumps. The End.

But it’s not. We need to drag this out for another hour. After the Final Rose is there to rescue you from your meaningless life. Tenley comes out and everyone loves her as expected.

Chris Harrison breaks away from his busy life hitting on people’s wives, chilling with J-Oz, and being a mob boss to interview Jake and Vienna. Things are blissful and the tabloids be damned.

What in the name of all that is holy?! It can’t be real! Stop the press! Am I dreaming? There he is, in the flesh!!! Jeffery Frickin’ Osborne! Jenny just asked if she could fast-forward and God considered striking her down. Chris Harrison dances with Rozlyn in the background. I’m crying.

The show ends with Ali announced as the next Bachelorette. Not a fan. But I am a fan of…”the only way to fly is On the Wings of Love!” That is all.

Week 1

Week 2

Week 3

Week 4

Week 5

Week 6

Week 7


  1. Can't believe Vienna won. What an annoying show. Seriously!

  2. My wife was also an almost vicitim of the hand of God...saved by the fact that she offered to beat up Vienna.


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