Monday, February 8, 2010

I Feel Like You're Slipping Right Through My Fingers

Written by Brian about The Bachelor - Week 6

Remember last week’s post? Yeah, neither do I. I’m not sure if it was just a really boring episode or I’m running out of 80s actors. Jenny lost 59% of her readership after last week. I apologize you had to read that. I mailed it in. It’s what Nicholas Cage has been doing for the past 12 years. “Oh, what’s this? The Conbobulator Man? Do I get to freak out before a fight scene? No, I don’t need to read the script. Two mil sounds good. I’m in.”

Jake is on his four hometown dates this week. If this is anything like the past 32 seasons, I’m guessing they will involve tours of the city, really awkward dinner conversations with family members, and at least one parent that rivals Michelle in pure nuttiness.

Jake begins with Gia in New York. After the TOUR, they meet Gia’s family. The stepbrother and father are the highlight here.

The dad looks like a burned-out Steven Seagal and speaks in one word sentences.

The stepbrother won’t shut up and looks like the Farkus from a Christmas Story. He has yellow eyes. The night ends with Jake beating him up on the playground.

Williamstown, MA - home of Matthew Perry, water buffalo, and Ali from the Bachelor. Let’s start things out on a romantic note. Let’s walk through the dead grandma’s house. We click info on the remote to see if we accidentally recorded Ghost Hunters.

Have you seen Ghost Hunters? It’s totally awesome and by awesome I mean sweet. Grown men walking around houses saying they feel a presence. And they have a team of like 34 people and vans of equipment! Why?! Why do you need a team? Where is Winston?

No matter what way you cut this house tour, it’s weird.

Dinner with the family is pretty exciting. You should watch it. Trust me.

Jake later meets Tenley in Newberg, Oregon. The town was incorporated as a city in 1889 (most exciting fact I could find).

Not sure if you know this but interpretive dance is a great way to showcase your affections. That’s how I got Jenny. Tenley is pretty good at it.

After dancing, we have crying and lots of it. This family has been through a lot.

Amazing side note – Jake says his passion is aviation. Not flying…aviation. Right.

Moving on we get to Vienna’s hometown somewhere in Florida. Not worth rewinding to get the city.

A boat ride tour includes alligators and Jake abruptly mentioning Vienna’s divorce. Huh? New information!

Later we learn her dad Vincent is the boss and I don’t mean Bruce. Vienna is a princess. She needs to be treated good...not well! She was born to run. His proverbial foot is down. After 3 minutes, he has a “pretty good feeling” about Jake.

Back at the hotel while Jake is getting ready, Ali makes a surprise appearance. These are never good. Last time we had one of these, Jake was talking crap about a country singer and crying over balconies.

Ali tells Jake she needs to choose between her job and Jake. It’s obvious here that she is gone. The tears are half-hearted.

The rose ceremony confirms it. Even Chris Harrison can’t help and he’s half magician. Wow! He was part robot when he interrupted Cryfest 2010! Totally straight-faced. No emotion. “Ali, have you made your decision?” His mind is a neural net processor, a learning computer.

Ali leaves three hours later. Jake struggles with the car door shutting. Not smooth dude. Just shut the door. Man! It’s easy. I’m upset.

That is all.

Week 1

Week 2

Week 3

Week 4

Week 5


  1. I’ve gone from feeling like I’m watching a train wreck to feeling like I’m watching a holocaustic nuclear plant meltdown. Jake should maybe just fill out the questionnaire from and cut his losses.

    I would also like to hand everyone a Roget’s Thesaurus to they can find a few synonyms for “amazing.” Would it kill them to say “astonishing, remarkable, incredible, astounding, marvelous, or miraculous” for a change?

    Once again, I’m only watching these people self-destruct because I am hooked on your morning-after entries. (And I agree—what’s so hard about shutting a car door?!?)

  2. The interpretive dance thing killed me. Where do they find these people?


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