Monday, January 11, 2010

Certain Lines Cannot Be Crossed

Written by Brian about The Bachelor - Week 2

Chris Harrison has the best job in the world. He gets softball interviews. He is on TV. He gets to announce group dates and girls pretend to be excited. He also has the full name thing going. He’s not just Chris, or just Harrison. No. He’s Chris Harrison. Only a few other people in the world can claim to have this in common with him. Michael Jackson, Bob Ross, Ben Kingsley, Gerard Depardieu, Carl Weathers, and Janet Reno. That’s it! Amazing, right?

Jake makes his first appearance with missing buttons on his shirt and glasses on the back of his collar? His bike was going so fast the wind blew them back there.

The first group date is a fashion shoot where half the girls have modeling experience. Remember all those talents from the first show? A few of the girls are noticing this and are worried…for good reason.

Christina complains for 5-10 minutes but has her moments where she’s actually funny. She acts the part while being photographed and Jake comes to her rescue. Classic move, always works.

Group date continues with a rooftop pool party. Pretty much what it sounds like. Not a lot of material here, literally. Jake comments that Christina is drinking heavily. Later on Rozlyn gets a rose and follows that up with some Pacino-like acting prowess pretending to be surprised. Woo-ah! Christina says something to the camera about being bombed. Or maybe it was bummed. Not sure. Doesn’t matter.

Michelle continues to take her crazy pills talking about diamonds and really wanting the one-on-one date. Naturally she doesn’t get it and the date goes to Ali. Careful Ali, Michelle doesn’t sleep…she waits.

Jake rides in for his date with a helmet that is really dorky looking. I think it nullifies the fact that he drives a motorcycle. Come on Maverick! Later on Ali and Jake take flight to the smooth sounds of Jeffery Osborne. Jenny and I have to pause while I regain my composure. Within 2.3 minutes of that scene, "On the Wings of Love" shoots up to #2 on iTunes. #1 is still "Crazy Train" by OZZY Osborne.

Over at the house, the final group date is announced and a few girls are left out, including the inspiration for "Crazy Train" – Michelle. Her left eyeball just blew up on camera. Not pretty.

After Ali’s flight from the navigator, they go to a private concert in the park. Jenny pronounces that Chicago is desperate for publicity. Chicago? Whatever! They were in Karate Kid 2! I give you this link for proof that they are truly awesome. How’s that for publicity?

Next group date is at Six Flags, where real connections are met with all the right reasons. Elizabeth a.k.a. Meagan Fox tells Jake her Megatron is off limits until she’s the last girl on the show. She also gets the rose tonight.

The cocktail party before the rose ceremony is highlighted by a Chris Harrison “hammer/intervention” with Rozlyn. She is kicked off the show by Chris Harrison because she had an inapprope relationship with “a staffer”. My guess is it was with the huge dude carrying her luggage to the car. He looks like Burt Young. Watch out – when Chris Harrison gets upset, Burt gets physical.

Chris Harrison really protected the integrity of the show here…good for him. This is high brow stuff here; we don’t want to tarnish its gleaming reputation.

Chris Harrison explains what happened to the group and 90% of the girls start spontaneously crying. I don’t understand this…they should be high fiving. The hot model just got kicked off the show. Brian Nash is confused.

Jake passes roses out like caramels. Jenny took one of the 57 minute pauses between roses to interject, “The Staffer!” Suddenly you see some dude in the lineup holding a camera coming up to get a rose from Jake. This will be my most overused joke this season. Get ready. That is all.


  1. I kept expecting the contestants to turn around and expose little paper tabs where their paper doll dresses attached to their little cardboard shoulders. Not the deepest ladies I've ever seen . . .

    Maybe, just maybe, they're all victims of a cruel video editor who takes 24 hours of recordings and edits out all but the pettiest, evilest, shallowest, meanest comments and the fakiest laughs. That must be it!

    Love the review!

  2. It was probably edited out, but I wonder who Roslyn told her dirty little secret about how to win Jake over: 1. Dress like a slut. 2. Shake your fake boobs in his face. 3. Kiss him like the Kelly McGillis scene in Top Gun.


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