Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Mr. Dateless

Written by Brian about The Bachelor - Week 4

“That there is an RV. Don’t you go falling in love with it now.”

The episode begins with the pronouncement by Chris Harrison that the girls will be going on a road trip and will never come back. Gia explains that she’s never been in an RV. Go figure. Jake “sets up camp” in wine country and awaits the girls.

The one-on-one date is with Gia. Jake embraces his inner caveman by dry shaving like John Rambo beforehand. During the date, Jenny comes to the conclusion that Gia has very weak legs because Jake carries her everywhere.

The Gia theme is that she’s from New York therefore she’s not going to be able to handle simple things like campfires and hotdogs. Seriously, what could happen? Is she going to flip out and strangle herself when the s’mores don’t work out? In the end she gets the rose for not being Michelle.

Lord Helmet returns, aka Jake on the motorcycle. He meets the group date for rides on dune buggies and a lot of log rolling down hills. Afterward, he requests that the group comb the beach for Lone Starr.

The rest of the group date is at an inn and nothing happens. News flash - Jessie is still here. She’s got googley eyes and she knows how to use them. I’ve come to the conclusion there is not a lot between the ears…but googley eyes.

Back at the RVs, Kathryn and Ella come to grips with the fact that one of them is going home after the two-on-one date. My side questions include who is Kathryn and how is she still on the show? She wants to see where this relationship can go. I’ll give you a little hint. It can go home…in a cab…alone.

She complains later that she didn’t get a lot of time during the two-on-one date. Wow. I, for one, was downright shocked.

In the end, both girls go home in an amazingly unprecedented move. The girls are shaken to the core. Tenley has a massive coronary when she realizes both are gone. Jake struts outside for the ceremonial rose burning and the drama is only enhanced by the corny/intense background music.

The rose ceremony kicks off with Jake talking about shots. I like the cut of his jib.

The rose party is pretty uneventful but the ceremony is amazing. Jake hands out a few roses and pauses with two roses and three no-names remaining. With tears in his eyes, I guess, he asks for a moment and requests to speak to Chris Harrison. The steady cam shot here following Jake around is right out of Goodfellas. I think Scorsese was a guest director this week. Chris Harrison is slowly lowered from his lair.

Chris Harrison explains to the girls that he will be taking one rose away, leaving only one left. Jessie struggles to do the math. Vienna gets a rose and Jessie and Asheleleiey walk home. That is all.


  1. Thanks for another great re-cap! (Perhaps a second career writing for “People”?)

    What I learned last night: Jake is “amazing.” He can take this message: “I could never marry you, no matter how much time passes, no matter how many dates we go on, no matter what you do, no matter what you say—even shallow, spoiled Vienna is better than you . . . “

    Jake can take THAT message and change it into: “I am such an honest, wonderful, stand-up guy that I am going to send you home before I break your heart.” (Why do I feel like saying, “Mothers, hide your daughters. Jake the Amazing is in town.”)

    I look forward to your blow-by-blow analysis each week!

  2. Asheleleiey...is that how it's spelled? Dang. I got it wrong with our Ashley! haha

    If this was your American Idol game, I'd be voting for Gia. She's the only one who doesn't talk smack about other people. Her intention of being there seems legit...even if she is googly AND she can't walk on her own. Poor girl. Good thing she rakes it in as a swimsuit model!

  3. Great use of the line from Clark W. Grizzwald's Christmas Vacation. And good title for the post, as if "Mr. Dateless" is such a harsh nickname from your schoolmates...sheesh.
    "In the end she gets a rose for not being Michelle" - exactly! Who has he sent home after a one-on-one...hmmm...no one! There's ALWAYS "a connection" between he and the one-on-one girl he's with. And as if a New York city girl is going to be so out of place in nature (NATURE! GOULET!)
    And yes, it was straight out of Goodfellas. We're talking MOST DRAMATIC SEASON YET!
    Ash-leeeeehoooooz-ssseh-hhher (JIm Carey from Ace Ventura 2, not 1, because this one is more drawn out) was very angry and had to get one last shot at Vienna on her way home.
    I'm only watching this show because of the two of you...and now I feel like I have to finish out the season...what have you started?

  4. Terrible show...great Space Balls reference.


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