Thursday, January 7, 2010

I Want To Be the Co-Pilot Of Your Plane

Written by Brian about The Bachelor - Week 1

Jake Pavelka is two things – nice and really nice.

This was the sentiment he left with us when he was abruptly ousted last year on the Bachelorette as he cried, “Nice guys always finish last.” Well Jake’s luck has changed, for better or worse depending on how you look at it, as he is the man of the hour on this season’s Bachelor.

We begin the show with Jake doing ordinary things like riding motorcycles, viewing sunsets, working out on rooftops, and of course flying airplanes. (Important note – he’s a pilot. Hence the corny subtitle of the show) Can we get any more obvious Top Gun references in this segment? And what are the chances we can drag Kenny Logins off his yacht for one more theme song? Will Jake start saying,” I feel the need…the need for speed” before each group date? Will I ask another question about Top Gun?

Final observation on this segment… this guy’s a pilot, attractive, 1.2% body fat, cuts wood in his backyard for fun, was on TV all last year, and has a huge home in Texas. Why am I supposed to feel sorry for this guy?

The preview of the season was pretty much like every other year. Every year is the “most dramatic” ever. How this show continues to raise the bar on drama is downright amazing. Have you ever seen the Godfather? How about Casablanca? Those can’t hold a candle to the drama you will witness this season.

Also, Jake is amazing…the most overused word in the Bachelor language. At some point Jake burns a rose with tears that threaten to put out the fire. Look forward to that.

And based on what we’ve seen so far the over/under on number of scenes with a shirtless Jake is about 593/1. By the end of the season he will rival Matthew McConaughey.

Preview of girls – Wow. Sprechen sie Classy? Random talents are showcased here like dancing on beaches, wearing really long green scarves, lying on a couch and staring into the distance in your living room, modeling, boxing, and more modeling. Vienna is the highlight here. She is unemployed but her dad bought her 5 cars. Also, dogs are in fact people that you go on dates with.

Jake takes an interview with Chris Harrison where he discusses his emotions and how he’s lonely. Chris Harrison just called previous season’s clips “Game tape”. Jake says flying is more powerful than love. Move over Robert Frost.

Finally Jakes gets to meet the 25 girls of his dreams. They all pile out of a limo one by one for awkward introductions and cutsie performances to get his attention. Jessie takes the lamest joke by touching Jakes arms and asking if his guns are registered. Emily is my favorite of the group and is naturally the first one to go home.

Jake’s laughing and massive smile are already getting old. The Tom Cruise similarities are getting creepy. “That’s right Ice…Jake is dangerous.”

The party kicks off and things escalate quickly with jokes about privates, rack envy, and desperate copilot outfits. Did you guys know that Jake is a pilot? Let’s have a natural break in the action for some old fashioned touch football. Makes sense.

Now it is standard in the first show to have at least one girl that is crazy desperate and downright redonkle. We’re talking about Michelle who is already crying because the guy she met 5 minutes ago isn’t giving her one on one time. In about 5 episodes Michelle will be long voted off the show but we’ll still see her hanging around in the bushes with tears in her eyes. She’s like a cyborg and she can melt metal. Fact.

We get our first “right reasons” of the season! Score! This is another standard in the Bachelor Book of Sayings. I’m pretty sure the girls don’t know what it means but it gets used every season, so they follow suit. Amazing.

Jillian and Ed show up to vet out the crazies with questions like are you insane, are you on heavy medication, are you nuts or have you just had too many drinks? Jillian ends the segment with a “we’re just friends” blatantly amazing high five to Jake. I don’t know if she did that for the right reasons.

Jenny and I discussed that it was very weird that Jake didn’t have his real friends doing this kind of questioning. This leads me to believe at the end of this season he’ll have to do an “I Love You Man” type follow up show to find a best man.

Tenley gets the first impression rose and lands a first kiss. She then breaks into Every Rose Has It’s Thorn by Poison. Very impressive.

I’m positive the producers had a heavy hand in tonight’s Rose Ceremony. The conversation went something like this: “Listen J-Bro, in order to keep ratings up, we’re going to have to go ahead and have you keep all the crazies on board for at least one more show. No, no…you can keep a few nice girls. Of course, to find love or whatever. But we need them J-Money. We’re on our 29th season… this show is on life support without them.”

Preview of the season – raw emotions on display with Jake walking out of an interview while kicking over a light and slamming a door respectfully. What sounds on the surface as something really tough and manly to do, he manages to make it look weird and stiff.

I’m pretty sure if scientists did tests on Jake it would be reveled he’s 30% Tom Cruise, 70% cardboard, and 100% nice guy. That is all.


  1. "She’s like a cyborg and she can melt metal. Fact."


    Welcome Brian. I look forward to next week.

  2. Yeah, so now that you've given a recap like that - I'm afraid you're in it for the long haul Brian. Your observations were spot on. And maybe a touch on the hilarious side. Especially the part about Jake making the kicking of the lamp look weird. Tell me that wasn't staged...

  3. Okay, so I watch the show to laugh at it too. But never, ever has it been as funny as this! I was crying laughing! Can you spare his help so he can do it again next week?

  4. Brian,

    My favorite part was when you referred to one girl as crazy desperate and "downright REDONKLE"

    And the "Listen J-BRO"

    LMAO. Loved it Brian.

    Can't wait to hear next week's take.

  5. Reason #9,384 for me to continue watching the Bachelor..Your Blog...Well Done my man

  6. I may not even have to watch the season now - this only took me 5 minutes to read - I'll get 55 minutes a week of my life back now. Well, 35 with the DVR.

  7. I just love how the girl butchered her joke, "do you have a registry for these guns?" Are you kidding me? A registry? Serioulsy. She should have kept going, "hi, do shakes come with that fry?" By the way, I am secretly a chic.

  8. What an amazing review about an amazing first episode of that amazing show, "The Bachelor." I'm glad that you amazingly noticed that the most amazingly overused word in the show was . . . well, "amazing." I will put my amazing life on hold next week so I can once again be--um, amazed--at the amazing bachelor and the amazing bachelorettes.

    P.S. The only "amazing" I was sincere about above was the one that described Brian's review. Very, very clever!!

  9. Ha! Fantastic! I don't even watch the show, but really with this blog update, why bother?

  10. Hilarious! Love it :)


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