Monday, January 18, 2010

Cloud Jake

Written by Brian about The Bachelor - Week 3

Chris Harrison is either taking his wardrobe cues from Jake and the Fatman or Miami Vice. Ah…Michael Mann created Miami Vice. So let’s say Fatman.

Vienna gets a one-on-one date with her dog, I mean Jake. She’s the life of the party and not afraid to “ruffle some feathers.” It is official. The bachelor has officially run out of ideas for dates. How many hand-holding helicopter rides can we handle? Ok, so at least they were going bungee jumping. Jake has some serious issues getting ready to jump but eventually it happens.

Right reasons and amazings start flying…into the pool…just like Vienna. I just got a text message from my cousin about the pure grace of it. It might have been the Triple Lindy. Chip, give her a break…you try to jump in a pool while you’re on “cloud Jake.” That seems to do the trick to get a rose from Jake and send emotional shockwaves through the house.

And so does Lovetts. John Lovetts. The pathological liar in the flesh. He’s the host of the comedy club group date where the girls have to perform in front of a live audience. This should be good. People are crying. Asheliaghe needs to start drinking.

Michelle talks about her imaginary first kiss before going on stage. It was weird. Jason Voorhees music starts playing in the background. (Kill, kill, kill, die, die, die) Her stand up is painful and creepy. Even Lovetts is at a loss for a punch line.

Of course Asheliaghe follows and gets knee-slapping results from blond jokes.Are these women in the 4th grade? The editing here is magical. They find the one guy in the room who’s laughing and show him the entire skit.

The date continues on a rooftop bar because we haven’t seen enough of these. Vienna is getting slammed at home and abroad by the girls. It culminates with her writing a letter to Jake. What a letdown. She should be punching someone by now.

Back on the totally amazing rooftop, Michelle is crying, moving things with her mind, and overall having a great time. She also tells Jake she has to leave. He takes about .03 seconds to agree, fearing for his life and the life of his family if he keeps her any longer. Michelle…baby steps into the cab. Baby steps! She’s doing the work, she’s not a slacker! Honestly, why watch anymore? Half of the entertainment of the show just crawled into a van and started hitting on the cab driver. I think it was the staffer. A lot of T100s will be going to bed disappointed tonight. Also, no rose for anyone because Jake is “drained.”

Another one-on-one date, another helicopter ride and talking over headphones about the view. Jake brings Ella’s son on the date and they go to Sea World. Yawn. Somewhere between me Googling Frank Stallone and sleeping, she gets a rose.

The focus of the party before the rose ceremony is Megan Fox. She is a tease and Jake calls her on it. They say the word kiss a combined 216 times.

The rose ceremony still has about 3-4 people that I don’t know. Did you hear that Valishia got kicked off tonight?! No? Well you missed out. She was amazing. In a surprise move, Miss Fox goes home. And yes, the word kiss came up when they said goodbye. Jake will really miss out on all that one-on-one time where they sit and stare at each other. That is all.

1 comment:

  1. I missed Monday night's episode, so I am very grateful for this update. I don't know if I could have made it through the week without knowing what was labeled "amazing" THIS week!

    Jake may want to ask the producers to send back some of the more normal girls he mistakenly sent home the first week when his testosterone took over his brain. The pickings are getting MIGHTY slim.


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